Vanishing Velez

I’ve been thinking about and researching bariatric surgery for a number of years now. I am pretty confident that I know what I am getting myself into. I’ve done the classes, watched the videos, talked to the people. I know that this is the best thing for me and my health. That being said, recently I have found myself feeling quite nervous about having surgery. 

I think the hardest thing for me is that it is a major lifestyle change. I think that we all want to stay at the status quo, and major changes are uncomfortable. I am not a fan of being uncomfortable. I want to keep doing what I’m doing, but that obviously doesn’t get me out of the situation that I am in.

So yeah, I don’t like change, and this is going to be a big change. But also, I manage a lot of my anxiety by planning. I look at all of the things that can happen and make plans on how to manage it. In a normal world I would research recipes and try them out ahead of time to make sure that I like them. I would have Albert and Beatrix try some of the foods too. I would stock up on things like protein shakes and powder, and be generally ready to go. However, one of the things that regularly happens after surgery is that patients taste buds change. Things that they used to like they just don’t like anymore. Some people struggle with eating meat afterwards. Some people loved Premier protein, and now can’t stomach it. Because of this, I just can’t prepare ahead of time. This means that my normal coping mechanisms are no longer available to me.

Next, I don’t know how my emotions are going to be post surgery. I know that this surgery can sometimes take a lot out of people, and I don’t really have that luxury. I need to be able to still take care of my family, because I know that Albert will not be able to take care of me, Beatrix, the house, and go to work. I am afraid that the recovery will be much harder than I currently expect, and that I will struggle more and be more on edge. I know that I tend to get pretty upset when I’m hungry. I recognize that I won’t feel hungry because my stomach is so much smaller, but I will still be eating maybe only 1/3 of my current caloric intake-and very low carbohydrate at that. Who knows how my body is going to respond. While very few people ultimately regret having the surgery, I definitely see a bunch of people who are a few weeks post operation who are saying that they regret it on social media. 

Another thing that makes me nervous is the thought that it might not work. I’m afraid that I will go through all of this time, energy, money, etc. and will still be fat and unhealthy. 10-20% of gastric sleeve patients fail to hit their weight loss goals. What if I’m one of them? I think that my self esteem would probably go quickly down the toilet. I would probably feel like a failure, and would most likely fall into some state of depression. I definitely don’t want that to happen.

The last thing that really concerns me is the body dysmorphia that a lot of people experience post surgery. I have been this weight for a very long time and know myself at this weight. While I know that I need to lose weight to be healthy, I don’t know how to dress/exist as a thinner adult. I am afraid that I won’t see any changes or that I won’t be happy with my new look. I know I will have extra skin, but surgery out of pocket is just not an option for me at this time. 

At the end of the day, I still believe that this is right for me. That being said, if I do decide to not have the surgery now, I’m not going back and going through this process again. Either I do it now or I don’t do it at all.

I have a post to write about my first Psychiatric Evaluation, which I had the other day. I’ll hopefully get to that in the next few days.